Bad Online Dating #1

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I used to be totally against online dating, I wanted to meet someone ‘organically’ (doesn’t that sound wanky?) but let’s be realistic, in the dance business the chance of meeting a straight, appropriately aged man is slim-to-none. Even if you do meet one he has probably shagged half the girls in the cast already and has a girlfriend in another part of the country.

So, after a few years of singledom I’m now ready to start seeing someone on the regular instead of having a sex-buddy. I decided, over a glass of wine while being bullied into it by my fellow single girlfriends, to hop on the Tinder band-wagon.
We threw my phone around the table and giggled as we swiped right and left
willy-nilly and I got a few matches. But what now? Do I wait for the guy to message me and say hi or do I just go in headfirst and try to write something cute yet witty and intelligent?

These apps seem so seedy and superficial but in life, when you see someone handsome you know you’re attracted to them before you know them as a person. Tinder cleverly lists all these people in one place so single gals don’t have to wander the streets looking for men that might be available.

tinder-logo-orange-online-dating-first-date-nightmare-sexI started with Tinder and got chatting to a couple of hotties and then went on my first date. This guy looked cute and athletic, I knew from our texting that he was an ice hockey player and he made documentaries for a living, we shared interests like reading and going to the gym and he suggested we meet-up for a coffee and get to know each other in person. OK then, off we go! He picked the place which was fucking miles away from mine (selfish bastard) and if you’ve ever been to LA you’ll know that meeting someone who lives more than 5 miles away is like being in a long-distance relationship. Even if the date had gone well I couldn’t be bothered traveling between Studio City and Los Feliz on the regular.

Now you know the date didn’t go well. Actually it was bloody terrible. It took me almost an hour to get there, it was 99 degrees outside and he was half an hour late. Not too irked as it gave me a chance to suss out the place and find a seat so I ordered a coffee and whipped out my book to read a few pages. When he finally gets his ass in there he is profusely sweating saying he was still hot from the gym and his hot shower yada yada, we shake hands and introduce ourselves before he asks if I’d been waiting long. No, I lied, not long at all.
“I’m going to grab a drink would you like another?” he says as he peers into my empty cup and before I even have the chance to answer he walks off to get himself a drink. Alrighty then.
I was nervous of course but decided to ask him about what he might be reading as I thought that would be a good subject to start on. Nope. Talking to this guy was like trying to get blood from a stone. I asked loads of questions about ice hockey and his work and what he did for fun, basically all he did was work on intense material for documentaries and read about the same stuff and hadn’t actually played hockey in quite a while and that’s why he was looking a bit ‘bigger’ than usual. He was like a woman talking about his weight and his sweating and it was so unattractive. Hey we all put on a few pounds here and there it’s no big deal but don’t bang on and on about it.

The highlight of the date was when he asked me about my Tinder life. My what? How much I’m on Tinder? I said this was my first date, I’d had a funny connect with an old school friend a few weeks ago but that was it. He smiles and says, I shit you not, “I’m addicted to it. I’m on it more than Instagram and Facebook.”
HOLY SHIT! ABORT! ABORT!
“Ahhhhh…” looking at my watch, “Would you look at the time, must dash I’m errrr meeting a friend for lunch.”
You’d think that would shut him up but oh no, on he goes then he starts recommending lunch places and when I ask if he likes a particular cuisine he says, “No no. All food. “ That may explain the extra pounds eh?
I couldn’t get away quick enough, wave goodbye, thank myself for a delicious hot beverage and get on the blower to a girlfriend to give her the play by play.
What I released after this horrible 30mins is that I can handle myself on a date with a complete stranger. I can hold a conversation and even if there is not a shred chemistry and we can be polite to each other and leave like adults.
I also learned that the universe felt bad for me and rewarded me with a crisp $20 bill on the sidewalk on my way to lunch.