The Best Sex I’ve Ever Had.

sex-fiery-sky-orange-red-yello-purple-pink-incredible

The Best Sex I’ve Ever Had.

From what I remember…

A real man. Funny, feisty and fucking gorgeous.  I met him snowboarding last year at Big Bear when I went on this party bus annual trip called The Winter Snow Show. Dolls, if you need to meet man come on this trip next year it’s brilliant! Finally a confidant man that can throw me around bedroom and entertain me for hours with his huge cock. We shall call him, Hottie.

We met on the hill day drinking in the Spring sun between runs, he was cool and confident, bit of a cheeky chappy and he asked for my number. He came to meet me at a small mountain bar in the village later that night and we partied the night away, had a dance off, I stuck my fingers in his mouth then we smooched till the early hours! We didn’t hook-up that night (because I’m a lady) but we had a date night back in LA and ended-up bonking all night long and it was the hottest sex ever. Lots of kisses, lots of fun, think I got thrown around a bit and his body was incredible. I couldn’t get my clothes off fast enough.

dollar billsRound 3 started in West Hollywood. Me and my friends met him and his at Barney’s Beanery. He was shit-faced when I arrived so I gave him half the Adderall I’d nicked from my roommate and I had the other half, naturally. We all played arcade games in the bar, drank vodka shots and then moved over to The Abbey for dancing and cocktails that tasted like paint-stripper. Lots of dancing, silly behavior and smooching then the last thing I remember clearly is my friend Ann-Marie with her face in the crotch of a gogo dancer, “I gave him all of my dollar bills” she wailed!

I guess we left The Abbey at around 2am and I blacked-in (don’t you just love that?!) at around 4.30am playing naked gymnastics with Hottie. Fab, fun sex. I knocked everything off my bedside table not once but twice, banged my head, popped him in the nose (?!) and then we decided it was a brilliant idea to do another Adderall and lie on my bed chatting in our birthday suits. Seriously, who do I think I am? The first night he stayed over I brought a bottle of champagne to bed and poured it everywhere and chugged half of it myself. Oh it’s a slippery slope I tell you.

After passing out for a few hours we woke-up at around 11.30am and I had the brilliant idea of going to brunch for ONE Bloody Mary, hair of the dog and all that. Cut to 3pm and I’m hammered again after eating one slice of bacon due to my serious lack of appetite and drinking about nine mimosas, because, ummm I love champagne and hottie mcbrunch is the best meal of the week. I had to call in sick to work saying I had stomach flu when I could barley string a sentence together.

Hottie Mc’Gorgeous had to go home and I needed to go and lie down before I fell down, day drinking really kicks your arse. And lie down I did. When I woke-up I had that familiar feeling of anxiety, or the ‘beer fear’ as my buddy Abbey calls it. This is the message I sent to Abbey…

“Feel like a total dirt bag today. Had a wild night on the town, Hottie came back to mine and we bonked all night, did Adderall at 7am then we passed out for a few hours THEN I decided it was a brilliant idea to go to brunch, had zero appetite so got hammered on mimosas, called in sick to work slurring my words then almost wet my pants on the walk home so had to drop trow in the back alley. What. The. Fuck. Also, I have a bruise on mu forehead and think I must have banged my head during the bonk fest. Please tell me everything will be OK?!”

It was OK  in the end. There was a round 4, and 5. And more messages to my friend Abbey…

“I got laid! Hung out with Hottie last night and went to pleasure town until the early hours. Need to ice my vag though I got my world rocked ha”

Abbey: “Hooray! So glad to hear someone else is going through the same shit as me, I have this new guy and the sex has been pretty wild, then Wednesday night he starts pulling my hair and calling me a bitch…”

Think Abbey may have some interesting stories for you too…watch this space!