Can’t Find the Bathroom
Not me. I know where the bathroom is in my own apartment. My Bumble date however, couldn’t figure it out. Let’s start at the beginning…
I joined Bumble (another dating app) a few days ago after some encouragement from a friend. I matched with a few guys but banter is hard when you don’t know someone so while you’re chatting it almost feels like a really terrible job interview. Then I matched with this guy called Phil who was just funny and confident and almost right away he messaged me saying,
“OK what time are we meeting for drinks tonight?”
Loved that! We planned to meet at The Rainbow Room in West Hollywood for drinks and he was rolling with a little crew, so I dragged my friend Hollie along for the adventure. Lucky Hollie.
We arrived a cool 30mins late, (traffic etc., etc.,) but Phil and his pal Tim we’re waiting at the bar for us and promptly ordered us drinks and we got chatting. Phil was really funny and easy to hang out with as well as being super nice to Hollie and making her feel welcome. We stayed at the Rainbow Room long enough to get tipsy, then flirty then we had a very public make-out session by the bar, then more banter.
He runs his own company, tech or something boring like that, has 75 employees and the more he drank the more he told me how rich he was. I think at one point he told me he was a millionaire but non of that mattered coz I’d already decided that I was going to have sex with him and it would be a one time deal. Turns out he was only in town for the weekend and lived in Chicago, something he had neglected to tell me earlier on, what an absolute twat. I definitely had no problem just hitting it and quitting it after that news.
To prevent a sloppy mess and a possible blackout from either one of us we took a break from binge drinking vodka and went to get some pizza. I ate a slice and he filled his 6’4” frame with a large pepperoni pizza and we chased that down with a couple of shots of Jagermeister, I almost puked on the table, that was a horrible idea. While at ‘dinner’ we planned that we needed to buy condoms and then we would head back to his hotel, not before hitting one more bar for another round of cocktails.
A short Uber ride later and we’re getting hot and heavy in his room when Tim (the friend we met earlier in the evening) comes stumbling through the door and lies on his bed. Turns out this 35 year-old ‘millionaire’ shares a hotel room in Hollywood with his buddy. I’m completely starkers, as is Phil and all Tim can say is, “WAHEY”. You would think this was the worst part of the night, my Bumble date’s obnoxious friend seeing me in my birthday suit. It was not.
I throw on my clothes and pick up what is left of my dignity and inform the boy that although this night has been super fun so far it’s time for me to bow out and go home.
“Can I come with you?” says Phil
When we arrive my flat mate (Bryan) and his best friend (Sean) have a little soiree of their own going on so I grab a bottle of champagne from the fridge and Phil follows me to my room. The sex is fun if a little aggressive, I mean this dude is well-built, liquored up and very enthusiastic so I had to pump the breaks a few times to give my little lady a breather. By round 3 I’m exhausted and to be honest can barely feel anything down there ‘cause we’d been banging away for hours so I call time on this match and settle in for a nice snooze.
I wake up the next morning to a text from my roommate….
What. The. Fuck. I have heard of people doing this when they’re drunk but it’s never happened in my home and I felt so bad for poor Bryan having to deal with this while I was dreaming of mimosas and eggs benedict.
I got the full story from Bryan and Sean the next day and it’s hilarious. Sean had witnessed the whole thing as he was sleeping in the living room, he saw Big Man Phil stumble butt-naked out of my room and into the kitchen for what Sean had assumed was a glass of water. But the running water that he heard wasn’t the tap it was Phil pissing all over the kitchen floor for what felt like 20 minutes. He wasn’t done there though. He stumbles through the breakfast room knocking down the blinds along the window along the way then opens the balcony door and steps outside for a breath of fresh air. From here he bounces off the walls past my room and into Bryan’s where he flops down into bed and promptly passes the fuck out. Sean and Bryan then have to wake-up this crazy, drunk, NAKED strange man they have barely met and get him back into my room where he belongs. At first Phil is so disoriented and wakes up with his fists protecting his face ready to fight, then slowly he comes around and listens to the boys so they can guide him away (naked) and into my room.
This Bumble date was way more than I bargained for. Although I didn’t pay for any drinks the night before I paid in apologies to my flat mate and his bestie, I had to throw out a perfectly good set of towels AND I had to sit on a bag of frozen peas for the better part of the next day. Phil Disaster Date text me the next afternoon as if nothing had really happened asking me out for drinks again so my guess is he does this shit all the time, though never again at my place.