I have spent the best part of the last two years trying to ‘move forward’. And I am laughing to myself as I write…trying to move forward – a contradiction in itself. But this is what I was doing, albeit with awareness.
I knew I didn’t have it quite right. All the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle were there – I could tangibly see and feel them in my future reality. I was trying to bring them forward into my present, but something was providing a gap, a distance. I had been actively working on my inner resistances, one by one washing them away, and I knew I was doing everything ‘right’, but somehow I was always left feeling just out of reach. What was it?
Consciously, I know everything happens in perfect time. Almost daily the universe shows me little miracles and synchronicities to fuel my trust in the perfection of what happens around and to me. Whenever I thought I was ready for something, with hindsight I realised I was not. So I know to trust in the divine order of life. Indeed these past two years have probably been the most transformative and productive years of my life. But despite all this, something was stopping me from feeling I was moving forward.
The answer was my ego.
The workings of our psyche fascinate me, and I spend much time pondering the interactions between our soul, our ego and self. I am deeply connected to my soul, but also aware that we need our ego to survive and enjoy life. It enables our expression in the world; one cannot exist without the other. It is both the co-existence and the balance of life; a constant fine-tuning, and why we never ‘get there’.
Learning to love our ego is our journey to self-worth. When the ego and soul are in alignment, all noise subsides and we move to the sound of a gentle hum. Neither soul nor ego get in the way – of ourselves or others. We drop into flow.
I had been in deep flow before, when I had cancer. When told of my illness, my ego collapsed, powerless as it was to handle the situation. But a new one rose in its place, one that relished the experience and opportunities such a challenge brings. And this is what I have realised: that whilst our soul remains eternal, our egos ignite, stay with us for a while, and then must die. It is an experience we are meant to have; for when they die we receive, through embodiment, the gifts.
Each time we let go of our ego, we make space for a new one to emerge – one more useful, more expansive, bringing new experiences and learning. This is how we grow. We don’t lose our self, nor our soul, but we let go of a layer of protection and inauthenticity we no longer need. Metaphorically, we put on new shoes, but there comes a day when we must throw away the old. Sometimes they are thrown away for us, sometimes we refuse to let them go. It is an energetic shift which happens within and it can happen rapidly, or slowly: perhaps in the blink of an eye, perhaps over a lifetime; sometimes with sadness, often with joy.
We are all actors upon a stage. We accept a role – our ego – which drives our performance, influencing all that we do. The ego enables the performance and the performance makes the role. The more we let go into it, the more rewarding the result. But with time, we may look for a new role, wish to play a different part; one which newly inspires us, positively challenges or calls forth as yet unseen potential. And this is because the ego enables the flow of the soul. It is a combination which whilst never conscious in itself, allows conscious creativity to manifest. And so our soul, the eternal actor within, nudges us forwards, knowing that when we embrace the embodiment, it gets expression.
The role, or ego expression, we choose to help us at any given stage of life must be appreciated to be understood. The universe works in mysterious and magical ways. Often we are called to jump in feet-first, at other times we know to tread softly, to savour the part on the side-lines. For each of us, it will be different, and relevant to our stage of evolvement. Where ego gets a bad press is when it is single-handedly running the show – without the alignment and interaction of the soul – and therefore out of balance. This is when it becomes jarring and uncomfortable, for us individually or collectively on a greater scale.
The gap I felt in moving forwards was the distance between my departing ego and acceptance of my new ego. As with all things, it was an energetic shifting requiring self-worth for the transition. Yes, a new role to play and new shoes to wear, but more deliciously, the promise of a new depth of flow.